I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
