I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize