dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
