Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize