i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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