i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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