Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
