She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
