Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
