woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize