so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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