So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
