no, he came in my armpit
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
false alarm, still single
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
