I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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