I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
