who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
