I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
