I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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