dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
