Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize