I forgot how hot balto sounded
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize