I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Randomize
