she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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