I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I look better un-naked...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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