I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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