he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
