The maid of honor just puked.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
