he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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