I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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