Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Randomize
