well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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