I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
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