Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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