dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
