i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
