I smell stomach acid.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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