proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
