so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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