First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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