So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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