Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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