Welp...herpes.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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