she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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