does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize