STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
