capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
