I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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