Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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