Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I have feelings that need drinking.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Randomize
