I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
