I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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