maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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