i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
3 2 1 whiskey
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
