so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
did i just pee glitter
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
