areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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