Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
