i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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