I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
There r osticjed everywhere
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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