the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
