Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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