I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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