highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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