Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
