alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
