My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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