Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
