ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
